SPANXCAPADES: EPISODE 1

If you have ever been to one of my live performances, you have heard me talk about Spanx.  I’m a card-carrying user. I’m sold on them and, after this many years, I am hunting for an endorsement.

For those 1 or 2 of you who don’t know what Spanx are, let me enlighten you. Spanx are a modern day brand of girdle garments designed by angels. They are made of this super-sonic, space-age material that takes all your chub and shoves it up around your internal organs. It is probably not safe to wear them for any extended period of time but let me tell you, with Spanx, (if you can get them on) you can wear those pants.  You know the ones – the ones you love that, without Spanx, make your belly into a perfect human muffin. You want to wear them so bad but you find sitting up ultra-straight exhausting and you want an easier out than core work and cutting carbs. You’re like me. You need Spanx.

I don’t wear Spanx every day. Give me a break! I like to let my liver breathe, ya know.  I am a stretchy pants kind of girl, if left to my own devices. It’s just that my Mama has taught me that at important events, you need to dress one step up from your audience. Nobody in my audiences come in pajamas, so I never have a chance to wear my stretchy pants to my own shows.

Nobody comes to business luncheons in stretchy pants either. I know that, so when I was getting ready to go to a women’s business luncheon one day, I knew Spanx were in order. I had a ticket to a W.O.W. (Women Out Working) luncheon and all of the mover-and-shaker-business-ladies in my town were going to be there. W.O.W. is awesome! It’s an event where business women get to visit, eat together and find out about each other’s business ventures. I was going to the luncheon to advertise our experiential arts events and my voice lesson business. It seemed like an event my Mother would say I should wear dress pants and a dressy top to. Only thing is, I look like a sack of potatoes in my dress pants without my Spanx, so Spanx were in order.  I wrestled myself into my angel-girdle and had a fabulous time at the luncheon. My dear friend, Michelle Andrishak, puts on this important event for our community. (Sidenote: women are amazing entrepreneurs and I love meeting women who are following their passions, whether it be horses, skin care or real estate).  I made some great contacts and even rounded up a few students before it was all said and done.

I still had warm fuzzies from the luncheon when I moved on to my next appointment with my chiropractor. I picked up Ivy from school, as she had an appointment as well. I went in first. As I climbed up onto the table, I realized that my Spanx-ness was probably not going to be conducive to a chiropractic adjustment. I brought the situation to my chiropractor’s attention and she assured me she could work around them. On the weird segmented table, with my head in that hole, facing the floor, unaware of my amped volume, I started talking to her about Spanx. I pretty much gave her the same comedic routine about Spanx that I do in concert. I told her about my muffintop, about my internal organs, about my pants, about W.O.W. and about why my Mother would say my luncheon-pants-that-need-Spanx were necessary. She chuckled quietly while attempting to put my vertebrae back into their rightful places. She was probably thinking to herself, “If Michelle would stop shoving her chubby parts into her internal organ space, she would have perfect spinal health.” She did the best she could with my limited spinal mobility and I rolled off the table like a happy, well-adjusted walrus, to tag Ivy in.

I walked out into the tiny waiting room and the five patients there were all looking straight at me with this wide-eyed stare. Ivy was the worst of all. Her eyes were as big as saucers and she was quite obviously choking back laughter. I sat down beside her and leaned over to whisper in her ear, “What the heck is going on with everybody out here? Why are they all looking at me?”

“We could hear every. word. you. said.” she hissed back at me.

Oh. Ohhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I had inadvertently revealed my flat-tummy secret to a waiting room full of achey-backed strangers. I had mortally embarrassed my daughter in public and given an unwanted Spanx commercial to a captive audience. Sigh. Of course I had. That’s how I roll.

To the strangers in the waiting room: you are welcome for the spectacular dinner-time fodder I unwittingly provided. To the students I gained from the luncheon: I am sorry that I did not wear Spanx to any of your voice lessons. I realize that was false advertising. To my chiropractor: I will attend my future adjustments Spanxless, for maximum spinal rotation. To my daughter: there is simply too much to apologize for to cover here.

There will be two more installments in this Spanxcapades series and I promise, they will not disappoint. If you are brave enough to repost this blog, I will personally email you an MP3 of a live performance of my hit song, Muffintop, that will explain everything. Shoot me an email at gypsythugmom@gmail.com to let me know you have reposted, and I will fire it at ya!