This blog will take a sharp turn for the serious, this subject has been churning around in me for a long time. My Dad heard me waxing on about this last week and he thought I ought to blog it, funny or not. So here I am telling you how to parent your kids in regards to you deciding whether they “can sing” or not.
For five years now I have been running a private vocal coaching business. I am a trained vocalist and have been studying voice since I was 13. I was a vocal major in college and I am a 30 year veteran performer. I have performed in pretty much every type of venue you can think of. I know technique, diction, projection, stage fright coping mechanisms, endurance, support, control, breathing tricks and all the basic tools of the trade. What I was not prepared for when I opened my teaching doors, was the emotional mud I would have to wade through with so many precious people just to get them comfortable enough to sing even a single note in front of me.
Everybody has baggage, I knew that. But since I was raised in a home where our parents never one time said to us, “you’re no good at that”, (even if we weren’t any good at it) I couldn’t imagine that there would be so many singers with such a blockage to their own joy of singing. 1 out of every 2 adult students of mine struggle with pushing past the things they have been told about their own singing by their family members. As I have learned to walk with them into the arena of their own insecurities, I have learned so much. I want to start talking about what I have learned from them and to throw a flag at an uneducated mistake I keep running into. Truly, I could write about this for days and I probably will. Today’s blog will just be a sampling of my findings, just to get the conversation going.
Bodies are brilliant and complex. To take a single step you need to use 200 different muscles! Almost everybody is born with the gear to make walking possible. Let me ask you this: if you saw a baby make their first wobbly attempt at walking, would you pull that baby aside and say, “Listen baby, we need to talk. It’s looking like you aren’t going to be much of a walker. It’s probably going to be safer for you to just stick to crawling, ‘cuz you’re really good at that”? Of course you wouldn’t, because you understand development! You understand that wobbly toddlers need a chance to practice standing up straight and balancing. You would hold their hands and encourage them to take those first steps. You would clap and squeal when they put even two little steps together. You would cheer them to success, and then go buy some cabinet locks.
To sing a single note, you employ dozens of muscles. Almost everybody is born with the muscle groups, ligaments and brain pathways to make singing possible. And yet, our culture largely embraces the misnomer that singers are “born”. We think that you are either born with that gift or you aren’t. This is so far from the truth! In the same way that we all have legs and feet and need to learn to walk, most of us are born with all of the components for singing. To be good singers, we have to learn to use them properly. We have to wobble a bit.
Thanks to American Idol and the glorification of the soloist in modern culture, we revere these prodigies who just “have the gift”. So, if we listen to our child singing and it seems like they can carry a decent tune with some flair and volume, we think they “have the gift”. Conversely, when we hear our child sing some wobbly, off-tune notes with great volume, we decide that they are “tone-deaf” or simply cannot sing. We want to protect them from the humiliation that we imagine is their destiny if that is how they sing (because our society idolizes good singers) and we try to “protect” them by shutting down their whole experimental process with singing.
Let me explain the fault in that logic by using athletics as an example. While there are most assuredly people who are born with an athletic pre-disposition, whose running skills are going to be naturally superior to their peers’ abilities, they are not the norm. The rest of us are. But we can still run! And if we love running, why shouldn’t we? We have legs! And we can get better. If we stretch, train and get coaching from someone who knows what they are talking about and who knows how to draw out potential, we WILL become better runners. It is inevitable. If we put the work in, we will improve.
The same is true for singing. There are those who are born with a built-in predisposition to sing. They will stand out from their peers from an early age. Does that mean the rest of us should not sing? No way! Singing is, at its basest form, physiological. It is muscles and ligaments. It is tissue, cartilage and breath. If we stretch, train and get coaching from someone who knows what they are talking about and who knows how to draw out potential, we WILL become better singers. It is inevitable. If we put the work in, we will improve.
In my practice, I continue to run into full-grown adults who love music but who were shut down by well-meaning, uneducated or cruel comments from their family members, friends or even mis-educated voice teachers. They just believed what they were told. As their journey has progressed, they have decided to go back and get some things that used to belong to them. After several weeks of moving through old tapes in their heads and deciding who to escort out of their inner dialog, there is a stunning moment where it finally dawns on them that their mom was wrong. Or their brother was wrong. Or their friends were wrong. They can sing. They have the tools. Their progress is relative entirely to themselves and they have to right to do it and to fully enjoy it. The freedom they experience in throwing off uneducated opinions and cruel words inevitably filters into other areas of their lives, which is what lights me up like a roman candle. I live for those moments, as a teacher.
Here’s where I will need future blogs to dialog further about the devastating power of shame to shut down a physical voice. I want to talk about why we criticize someone’s singing, why it is so very personal and how those wounds shape who we are and what we believe.
I want to be a part of changing cultural perception that singing is a gift and not a right and to be a part of giving song back to every person who wants it.
If you have a child who loves to sing and you have not enjoyed the reckless noise they are making, hold your tongue. If they are driven to sing, sign them up for singing lessons, just like you would sign them up for soccer if they loved to kick stuff. Find a teacher who knows how to draw out potential and let the professionals do their work.
If you have already told your child that they cannot sing, you can still remedy this. Go back to your child and tell them you are so sorry that you said that. Ask them to forgive you. Tell them that you did not understand that singing was a physical skill that needs to be developed and that you mistakenly thought people were born either good singers or not good singers. Tell them you know they love music, that you would love to help them pursue it and sign them up for lessons.
If you are one who has been told you cannot sing yet you cannot shove down your love for music and your desire to sing, take heart. It’s time for you to let go of what you were told and to go find out for yourself. Start thinking about learning to sing in the same way you would think about signing up for a Couch to 5k program. You have legs. You have feet. You can be trained to run. You have a larynx. You have lungs. You can be trained to sing. The first step is being willing to look hurtful words in the eyes and…choose to sing anyways.
P.S. I am currently obsessed with this subject and I would love to hear your experiences in either being shut down in singing or pushing past being shut down.
Very thought provoking. I too believe that everyone can become a better singer. But I don’t believe that everyone can become a great singer or even a really good singer. I would like to hear your thoughts on this and the opposite problem of encouraging someone when you shouldn’t. We’ve all seen those people in the tryouts for Idol who genuinely believe they are good. Someone has been lying to them and doing them a dis-service. Thoughts?
Thanks for your comment Brian! I too agree that not everyone will become a great singer, we will all bump up against our limits, even with our utmost effort given. I view progress as relative to the student themselves and I can say that I have seen some rough sounding voices completely astound me with their progress.
My article is more about the folks who love singing and have had their song taken from them by cruel, uneducated words. I too am frustrated by the delusional American Idol try outers, but every time I hear one that is not a great singer, I always think, “ohhhh, give me an hour with them, I can help them with that.” I agree, someone may be fanning the flame for some of those folks and not encouraging them to get training. That’s my point, if you have a kid who loves singing, let them take lessons. Let them reach their full potential and try out for the things they want to. Life, even without cruelty, is a teacher and solo singer contests are hard to win. Would you agree that the whole soloist glorification in our society has stolen the joy of singing from the average singer? As Barry pointed out to me the other day, there is so much more to singing than solos. What about the joy of being in an outstanding choir? What about the joy of harmony and blend? To me, the glorification of the soloist and the pressure to get one’s voice to prodigy level to even be considered a good singer is a systemic problem that I will continue to throw a flag at.
Thank you for publishing this! You have said so many things that I have also said to many years worth of students and their families.
“Quality” of singing is very subjective and means something different to everyone. Honestly, the pop styling that is prevalent now is what many people equate with “good singing”. Being able to carry a tune with good habits is good singing – popular culture be damned!
So, if a person is not good enough for Idol or the Voice, then they shouldn’t sing? Isn’t that like saying if someone is not good at sports, they shouldn’t ever play? But there are inter mural and rec leagues of all sports at all levels, even adult. My 9 year old plays soccer. She has improved so much over the years, but she is not ever going to get a scholarship to college or even play in high school. She enjoys it, she likes her friends on the team, and her coaches are wonderful. I keep signing her up so that she learns commitment, teamwork, perseverance, and what it means to keep working to improve.
I loved what you have to say in this blog, and as an elementary music teacher, I would love permission to print it out and even give it to parents at conference time.
Hollie, I know Brian personally and I do know that’s not what’s he thinks.:)
I believe, along with you (and Brian:) in the value of doing something for the sheer love of it, no matter what the end game ends up being.
I would be honored for you to share my blog with your students’ parents. I am getting ready to speak to a group of teachers in February and I am so excited about it. You guys are my heroes!
Cheers!
I totally agree with. My moms family all play guitar, accordion, mandolin and sang together as a family. My mom also played and sang in a band in university. I’ve sang with my mom and sang to my kids. I enjoy it and am glad I was never told I sounded like a cat caught in a screen door but I am able to play that on the violin. ; ) It is truly encouraging that there are people in the world like yourself who are encouraging and helping others through the negativity that’s rampant in the world today.
Thanks for the words! You play the violin?! I had no idea! I agree with you about the negativity in the world today, and so much of it is borne of ignorance or fear. Thanks for reading, Elana!
I am not trained as a vocal coach, but I’ve been a singer all my life. I’ve been asked, many times, to help someone with their singing. Something I see/hear often is their not recognizing pitch – they can’t seem to match a pitch they hear, either vocally or on a piano. Is that something that can be developed? I give up trying to teach them and just let them enjoy what they are doing.
I am a vocal coach and I have seen that problem over and over. My own husband was one. When we first married, he loved music but would never sing if I was around. One day I fell asleep on a long car trip. He began singing with the radio which woke me up but he didn’t know that. I recognized that he had an extremely narrow range where he could match pitch. After lots of careful thought, I brought it up. He admitted he loved singing but had been told by his family that he sounded bad and shouldn’t ever sing. Made me angry for him! We both love acting but he wouldn’t try out for musicals! I sat down at the piano and began coaching him on how to match notes over and over (too high, go lower. Really close but a little too low.). He began learning how to hear himself and widening that range. Now he sings solos in musicals and can hold harmony parts without help. He has a great character voice and no hesitation about singing. Few people can’t learn. Over my years of teaching, I have only one person I didn’t succeed in getting on pitch and he was getting closer so in time I think it would have worked but he quit.
Yes yes yes!!!! Few people can’t learn!! I loved reading this. I would love to ask you some questions and get your opinion on some things. I am doing research for a book and would love to know what you think about some specific aspects of this issue. If you are willing, would you email me at gupsythugmom@gmail.com? Thank you for telling this story!
Amy, this is definitely something that can be developed. Matching tone is a brain pathway that can be accomplished through practice, as much as any other part of singing. Someone being technically tone deaf is a very rare condition. A lot of times, fear has a HUGE amount to do with it. Students who are struggling to match tone gain confidence when they hear themselves begin to succeed. They gain confidence with every success. Therefore, repetitive training exercises coupled with HUGE amounts of safety and encouragement are what I would prescribe. YouTube is a great resource for tone matching exercises. You CAN help your friends!
I agree to a certain point but telling someone they are wonderful or potential singers when they are just horrible will eventually catch up to them and will be devastating to that person. If they love singing then they should continue to do so, but not in front of an audience with me there. Your advice is noble but you make it sound like you can help everyone. I believe there are certain people who may be able to be helped a little but not enough to even make a joyful noise. Comparing running and singing is not a great comparison. What about a person who is about to operate on you but they flunked all their med courses? According to your philosophy, he/she just needs a little tutoring and practice. Sometimes people just can’t and NEVER will get a good note out. Why can’t we just encourage them to try playing a trumpet or tambourine? They may be excellent at other things but they will never know it because we are encouraging them to spend more time in an area where they frankly have zero abilities.
Ken, thanks for reading my blog and engaging in the discussion! First, let me say, I would NEVER tell someone they are a wonderful singer if they are not. I never lie to a student. I measure their progress according to the skills they have worked to master, completely relative to themselves. I would NEVER put a student on a stage in front of people who should not be there. I would never humiliate someone or set them up for failure. I never put anyone on a stage who is not ready. That would be false, foolish and unkind. And as you said, it would be devastating to them.
It is not noble for me to say that I can help everyone. Voice teachers are trained to spot potential, train away bad habits and improve everything from basics like posture and breath control to diction and endurance. It is a physiological fact that everyone can be taught to do what they are doing better than they can do it. Some may reach their limits sooner than others, but there is always some way a vocalist can learn and grow. In all my years of teaching, I have only run into one student that I would define as “tone deaf”. That is a flippant phrase that we throw around which is actually a very rare condition.
Comparing running to singing is a perfect example from my own life. I have no athletic predisposition or training but as a 35 year old, I admitted that I had always wished I could run and I started running. I was horrible. But I loved it. I loved the way it made me feel and I loved that I was doing something I had always wanted to do. After running several formal races, I could see the obvious: that I am never going to be a running star or even be able to compete well in my own category and age group. So now, I run against myself. Every now and again, I throw a 5k for myself and complete only against my previous time. I love the way running makes me feel, even though I look slightly like a mobile seizure while I do it. And I have gotten better over the years! My times have improved, I have fixed some form issues and learned how to treat my body in order to be able to run better. I will never be an Olympic athlete or even a winner of any race, but should I not run? I love to run and I am going to keep doing it. Singing is physical. Every person can be trained to do it better than they can right now. NOT every person will sing on a stage in front of people, but does that mean they should not sing? No! If they love it, let them do it! If they think they are ready for things they are not and they fail, life will teach them their “rank” so to speak. That’s why I don’t pay race registration fees anymore. 😉
It’s a tad bit insulting to me that you interpreted my “philosophy” as a suggestion that a surgeon should operate without going through the rigors of their training. Come on, you’ve missed the point.
And the point was…parents, please stop shutting your children down. Please stop telling them they will never be able to do something they love, even just for pleasure. Change your thinking about singing, realize that it is a physical skill to be developed and that every single person has their own potential. If parents would approach it like that, then my job would be a whole lot easier.
The research that has been done recently (functional MRIs, and other such things) has shown that really only 1% of the population truly has a disorder of tone deafness (sort of like color blind). The ability to sing on pitch is only about 10% vocal ability and 90% brain training. True, an adult would struggle to learn singing more than a child (which is why early childhood music is so very important.) Famous music educators and researchers such as Zoltan Kodaly, John Feierabend, Edwin Gordan, Emilie Dalcroze, and Carl Orff have a wealth of research and teaching methods as to HOW to teach the brain to sing on pitch. However, like any skill, if you don’t do it (as most adults in our culture do not sing with groups), you do lose your skills.
Hollie, that is such a revelatory stat. I want to be a part of changing the thinking about what singing is and how it happens. Brilliant!
I love this post and the accompanying discussions; thank you so much for putting all this into words! My husband and I are both vocal coaches, and the number of students with whom we have worked who were told, “don’t sing, you sound bad/you’re ruining the chorus” far outnumbers those who we’ve had to dissuade from career aspirations. (In fact, I can only count one of those over our combined 45 years of teaching.) And of those who were told not to sing, several were actually very talented, such as the natural belter who was told not to sing with the school chorus. Our “voice” is not only an acoustic thing, it is also part of our psyche, our sense of self; no one should be deprived of his or her “voice”!
I was told at a very young age by a neighbor that I couldn’t sing. Actually he looked at me with disgust and told me I shouldn’t sing. And again as an undergraduate music student, an older student told me not to sing. I’ve been working on my singing abilities for years, I’ve gotten myself to the point where I can hear if I’m off key but there isn’t much I can do to improve my voice. I’ve been able to improve my audiation though, and if I concentrate hard enough, I don’t miss as many notes. I’ve realized I do have a good ear, but getting my voice to cooperate is very difficult.
I sometimes wonder if I damaged it as a kid, screaming camp songs and losing my voice a lot.
Rachel, not cool about your neighbor. He obviously had no understanding of the physical nature of singing and everyone’s potential. He was also obviously a jerk with no regard for a child’s heart and I want to punch him in the nads. I am so glad you commented and I am really interested in what you have to say. See, this journey of brain training that you are on is fascinating to me, because that’s what this is. Training your ears to speak to your brain and vice versa. Training your brain to speak to your cords. As you are someone who has worked hard to develop that side of things, I am really interested in your journey. If you would be willing to let me ask you some questions about it, would you email me at gypsythugmom@gmail.com? Thank you so much for posting!
Grace! I am thrilled that you read the blog post and that you engaged in this discussion! You have so much experience and I love the ratio you have experienced, it is the same as mine. I wonder if it is true for all voice teachers who accept the fact that progress is relative to oneself, singing for the joy of singing is enough and that physiology can be trained. I am currently researching this topic and I would LOVE to pick you and your husband’s brains about some things. If you would be willing for me to ask you some questions, would you email me at gypsythugmom@gmail.com? I would LOVE to talk to you!
I was told to stop singing, probably because I was quite the prattler as a kid but I interpreted it as I can’t sing and developed a real fear of singing if I thought someone could hear me. Last year though I decided I really enjoyed singing and I hate when fear stops me from doing what I want, so I got lessons and joined a choir and my church worship team. Fast forward a bit and I lead worship for the first time 2 weeks ago. I may not be amazing but I’m good enough for people to enjoy and I love being a part of sharing the beauty of music with others. If you want it, go get it- it might not be as easy as you want but if it’s not worth fighting for its probably not worth having. Count the cost but at the end of the day for me, I’d rather have a crack at it and realise it’s not for me than spend my life wishing for it but never attempting to make it a reality. Lifes too short.
This lights me up! Can I ask you a question about your process? Can you identify a key moment/s that you felt fear falling away? I am fascinated by the keys that set us free from fear. This is an inspirational! I am stoked to read about how you went after what you wanted, despite what was spoken to you and your own fear. Yessss!
Well I’m a Christian and I really felt it was a bit of a push from Him so for me it was picturing Jesus enjoying my singing that started chipping it away, then it continued on as I put myself in front of supportive and encouraging people who could give me feedback without knocking my confidence. I still feel fear most of the time before I sing; I just realise now that it’s only got power if I give it power and I can tell the fear to get stuffed and that I’m going to have fun; I change the word “scared/worried/anxious” to “excited” in my mind lol- they really feel very similar to me. the whole singing thing for me is a bit like when you’re a kid and you lie in bed in the dark and think a shadow is scary, but then you get up close and realise it’s just your coat hanging on a door knob or something. I also make sure the reason why I sing is in the forefront of my mind- to have a good time and to share that good time with others. If I sing something wrong, firstly, no one seems to notice and secondly, no ones perfect and I did my best which has to be enough because it’s all I have. I resolve within myself to have a good time, regardless of the outcome. The other thing I picked up is to go all out- if I’m anxious and I back off= yuck! But anxious and giving it everything because it’s too late to back down now= no difference to what everyone hears. And practice, practice, practice so I don’t feel unprepared. Glad I could share- it is a really proud moment of mine to kick fear’s butt and do something I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid 🙂
It is clear by some commenters on here, the broad conversation needs to change about singing. If you sing it doesn’t mean your goal in life is to become a famous singer. It means you enjoy singing and making music in whatever context that is to you. Encouraging a young child to sing doesn’t mean you’re ruining their life and setting them up for failure.
I have been a music therapist and early childhood music teacher in my life, and the biggest obstacles I’ve experienced are the parents of the children, especially in the early childhood music program. The hardest thing was to get them to sing and make music with their babies. They would say “I can’t sing” to which I’d respond, “do you think your baby cares or notices? All they care about is you’re having fun with them, singing and making music, and especially that it’s YOU.” I was told by my brother I couldn’t sing. He would get so annoyed with me in the car because I’d sing ahead of the beat. He would scream at me and be my parents to make me stop which they would. I was scared to sing after that. Then in junior high/high school, my mom had been taking singing lessons and had me go to her voice teacher. She was an opera singer. Great teacher, but not the kind of singing I wanted to do, or that was right for my voice. I again stopped singing. I began singing in college for my music therapy degree and I was never bad, but just never developed to where I could be. I have a daughter now. She loves to sing. I will never tell her she can’t or she’s not good enough, but will get her lessons or in a group if that’s what she enjoys.
Thank you so much for this!
Teryn,
Thank you so much for your comment, you wrote so much good stuff! I think that is fascinating that the parents of your students are hesitant to sing with their own children, the world’s most accepting people group! Your story of pressing through three different times to go after music, even after a cruel brother’s remarks and a “not quite what you wanted” type of lessons is awesome. Sometimes we have to keep running after it until we get the angle we need. I have taught mothers and daughters together and it is a great time, fyi. 🙂 Thanks again for contributing to the conversation.
My mother was a singer. She decided when I was very young that I was tone deaf. All of my siblings play at least two instruments and sing. I haven’t since I was very young. I have recently discovered that I can hear quite well when the wrong note is played. It made me think that I’m not really tone deaf. Reading this article makes me feel like I should try and take some vocal lessons. I’ve always been incredibly jealous of people who can sing. Thanks for planting this hope!
Shaina! It’s just straight up uneducated to tell a child that he/she is tone deaf. It is so incredibly rare for that to be the case. Listen, if you feel the desire to go get back in on the singing action, GO DO IT! If you are jealous of people who can sing, go do something about it. You. Can. Do. It. If you want to try out a skype lesson with me, I am teaching a 4 week session in January. 🙂
Thank you so much for posting this article. I am an adult that has really bad fear and insecurity when it comes to music, but boy do I belt it out at home when no ones here. I sing in the morning and at night and my husband is a musician! This article really was wonderful to read, I’m blessed that a friend shared it on Facebook. Sometimes when you get older you feel like.. oh well that came and went, but I see that anything can happen. How do you help your clients move past this issues, I’d love to read more posts about these issues. Thank you for voicing this and I look forward to reading more from you.
Jackie, thanks so much for your comment. My first question to you would be, why do you think you have fear and insecurity when it comes to music? Was something said to you to shut you down? Once you can figure out why the fear and insecurity is there, you can look it straight in the eye and make a move to conquer it. One way to do this is to put it down on paper. If you can trace it’s source, write about it. Write down what happened, who did it (even if it was just you criticizing yourself) and what the result has been. Then take steps to move past it by taking lessons or even…singing in front of your musician husband (have him read my blog first 😉 If you are comfortable belting at home by yourself, this means that you LOVE music! Go after it! If you are interested in a skype lesson, I am teaching a four week session in January. 🙂
Great post. Thanks! I’d be interested in your thoughts on whether one can learn to harmonize as readily as one can learn to sing. My inability to sing harmonies has been my greatest frustration in music. I am an accomplished piano player and can easily sing melody lines. I understand the theory behind harmonies and know them when I see them on paper. But whenever I try to sing them (music in front of me or not), I go straight to the melody or some other godawful set of notes that have nothing to do with the written music. I just can’t hear it while I sing it. Is this something I can learn through lessons? It came so naturally to my kids and at a very young age that I wonder if some of the ability is simply born into a person.
Carol! I am so glad you commented! Harmony is a fascinating subject. It can totally be taught to an adult who struggles with it. You are correct, it is easier for children to learn to do it because of the formative state of their brains at that time. However, I know some children who had to work just as hard as a struggling adult to learn to do it. Youtube is full of exercises to develop an ear for harmony. The biggest trick is, if you believe you stink at it, you will likely not sing out boldly to find the note (what I like to call a “reckless noise”) and your progress will be very slow. It can be hard for a musically educated person to risk being vulnerable enough to develop an ear for harmony. You have to set your head knowledge aside for a moment and develop a new brain pathway. You have to be patient, merciful and hopeful towards yourself. If you can sing a melody line, you can be taught to sing a harmony line. Go get it!
Thank you for your thoughtful and candid reply. I am going to look for those videos! And you’re right, I get so disappointed and frustrated with my reckless noises that I stop after a few attempts. But that was primarily because I thought there was no hope. Now, at 58, I feel cautiously hopeful! Carol
I remember a 93 year old gentleman at my sister’s memorial service proudly telling the director of The Sweet Adelynes that he was the reason she and many others of us who grew up in that Church learned to sing so well. In his words, “She had to in order to drown out my terrible voice.”
Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!!! I have been a music love and singer all my life. What you say is so true. At 65 I find that if I don’t sing almost every day I “lose” notes, especially the higher ones. Everyone on both sides of our children’s families can sing well – except our younger son. He tries. As parents we have tried to help him. His music teachers have tried to help him. His sister is a music teacher and she has tried. No one has ever told him that he can’t sing. (Just tried to teach him pianisimo!) His dad has a booming baritone voice and he wants to match that. And…he has gotten a little better. If we hold a note and sing in his ear now at 32 years, he is closer to matching the note than he was as a child. He is a special needs adult, and frequently at social events held for special needs adults, there is karaoke. He is one of the first up! He belts it out. It is off key but every word is there and he “makes a joyful noise” as he does at church every Sunday! God must love it! Keep up the crusade!!
Janet, your post made me teary. What a beautiful example of cultivating your child’s love for music and giving him every opportunity, in accordance with his desires. It is so sweet to me that at 32 years old, his progress is completely relative to himself and he made progress. Why would we ever want to rob him of the joy and pleasure that singing is?! Kudos to you and thank you so much for making my day with this comment!
Four years ago, when my son was 14, he went through a real battle with him. He was singing all off key and all I asked of him was to sing one song while he played his piano lesson every day. I told him he didn’t have so sing loud enough for me to hear him clearly but I needed to hear him sing in the next room. It was a real battle and he did NOT want to sing at all. We got through it and he learned to sing. He now majors in music therapy and is in exclusive music choirs in college.
Kelly, what?!? This is amazing. I want to know this, did you encourage him to keep trying because you saw that he loved it so much? What clued you in that you should keep helping him with it? So cool!
He didn’t want to let on that he was interested in singing well, but I could tell. He just really did not want to sing during his piano lesson. We made him and along with singing congregational songs during church and some family singing at home, he figured it out. My husband sings very off key but he loves to sing and sings out in church. I think he, along with the pastor we had at the time, made singing cool to my son. A couple of times, I gently told my son that he was singing a little flat and helped him find the note. With all that, something clicked and I know I’m prejudiced, but he is really an amazing singer now.
https://youtu.be/9Ahq-A4naiA
7th grade choir teacher. No audition choir. I loved to sing. After some period of time, he met me at the door at the end of class and invited me to go to study hall from that day forward. Scarred me for life, truly. Occasionally I entertain the idea of finding someone who might help me find my real voice, but as you can imagine, I am reticent. That was about 42 years ago. Part of a redemption story is that my daughter has the voice of an angel, truly. A real gift.
Karen! This makes me so upset! We have got to find a way to fully educate music educators on how to work with a child to HELP them! It would have made such a difference if he had invited you to take a lesson or work with you on your ear or your volume. Forgive him and move past him. Go find your song. If you want to try a Skype lesson with me,there will be a four week session in January.:)
Oh, how I love to sing! No one in their right mind would actively choose to listen to me though. I do fine in a choir where I can hear the other voices to copy but as a soloist, it’s too sad for anyone’s ears.
That being said, I still love it! I’ve sung by children to sleep nearly every night of their lives. That’s 10 years of mothering through song. My children think I belong on American Idol because they can hear the love in my voice instead of the lack of training.
My middle daughter also loves to sing. And she writes beautiful, haunting songs of her own. By any worldly standard, she’s plain awful. But I can assure you that not once have I ever told her that. I just encourage her to write down the lyrics, record the video, and to keep seeing her heart out!
It makes me feel happy to read a professional voice coach share these thoughts. My heart breaks for people who have been held back from something they love by ignorant, know-it-alls.
Jennifer, you are doing the right thing by encouraging your daughter to keep on singing! We all have to start somewhere. There are so few things we do for the sheer joy of doing them! Side note for you: singers who feel comfortable in choirs can grow into soloists as well, just read through these comments and you’ll find some! A lot of times it is fear that shuts us down. That said, choirs are such great opportunities to do something you love!
I too am a music teacher or as you have pointed out a “Baggage Handler” realising years ago that teaching music was not just teaching music was a turning point. Fortunately I no longer work for an education department who are obsessed with dots, auditions and beep tests.
Steve! I would so love to talk to you to ask you some questions for some research I am doing. If you are willing, would you email me at gypsythugmom@gmail.com? Thanks!
Great article! Thank you!
As a long-time elementary music teacher and one who instructed music teachers, I have some observations and suggestions. Learning to sing in tune is like learning to ride a bike–just like balance, finding and matching pitch is developed through practice. However, many people need specific feedback to learn. Here are the two most valuable aids I’ve found.
VISUAL FEEDBACK
Some people tune right up using visual feedback. There is a free download with three songs called Singing Coach (www.singingcoach.com) that shows a line in real time for your voice in comparison to the pitches of a song as you sing a song. After you sing, you can see where you were too high or too low, and you can actually play the whole thing back to hear yourself while you watch your vocal line compared to the pitches.
PITCH NAMES
To many people, pitch is nebulous. Just like trying to add without numbers (1, 2, 3) or read without letters (a, b, c), they need names for pitches. The Do-Re-Mi system is the easiest because it gives a name to a pitch and each pitch has a permanent distance from another pitch in sound–called an interval (such as do to re or do to mi). You need to practice singing the pitches with the labels and memorize the sound and feel of the distances between the pitches. For more info about singing, see my website: http://www.lifelongmusicmaking.org
This happened to me my freshman year studying music. At that time I wanted to be a vocal performance major. I loved singing and I was still developing my young confidence. The head of the music program after meeting with her, told me I wasn’t good enough to do vocal performance and I believed her. A short time after that, I quit music school, transferred to another school, declared music a minor and that was it. I quit singing for a year or so. I now sing in comnunity choirs and work in higher ed.
Kellyann! I wanna slap that head of the music program. What about developing potential?!? I am so glad you have kept on singing though! I would love to ask you some questions for some research I am doing for my book. If you are willing would you email me at gypsythugmom@gmail.com?
I was never overtly told I couldn’t sing. I took my cues from my mother, who said she couldn’t sing (the words dying cat were usually thrown about). She also would say she was ugly or fat, and since I look a lot like her, I took everything she said about herself and said it must be true for me too. After all, I am my mother’s daughter.
I was a talented guitar player as a teen and my instructors would often try and get me to sing. To which I would argue that I couldn’t. (But I secretly love too)
Fast forward twenty odd years, I’m singing along, in my car, by myself, to a new song that has struck my fancy. I thought to myself, “I can’t actually sound anywhere near on key.” I went home and on a whim, recorded myself and played it back. It wasn’t awful.
Singing in church a couple weeks back, the woman sitting in front of me, who is a very good singer, turned around to me and said, “you sound good today.” That floored me. That someone who actually had talent at singing would give me a compliment about my own voice.
I love music and would love to sing with confidence. It’s only me holding me back.
Oh Bree! This is such an important story-the part about where you took your cues about yourself from your mother. That is fascinating! And now you are discovering that perhaps what you believed about yourself was not even true-and you were never even told that it was!!! Fascinating! I would love to ask you some questions for some research I am doing for my book. If you are willing, would you email me at gypsythugmom@gmail.com?
A lot of fuss is made about “singing in tune” or “tone-deafness”, but my experience as a musician and mother is that often it’s a more a matter of range. One of my children had a range of only about 3 whole steps, so couldn’t sing in tune unless it was the beginning of Three Blind Mice or Mary Had a Little Lamb. Learning to throw their voice to reach higher notes by tossing an imaginary ball as they sang high solved the problem. That child sang for about 5 years in a children’s choir because the choir director believed children could learn to sing “in tune” by expanding their range and making beautiful music with others.
Greta! That ball exercise sounds so cool! I agree that certain singers may not be able to reach certain notes they have not developed or worked on and thereby interpret their issue as one of being not able to sing in tune. To me, it’s like enveloping flexibility in a yoga environment. What we don’t use, we aren’t in charge of. It sounds like your child had a fabulous choir teacher which makes me so happy!
I read this because I’m a choir director and also work with child singers, however, I found this blog more relatable as a piano teacher. Now I feel like writing a blog post called, “Parents, stop telling your kids they have to take piano until they can play the hymns”. That is such a self limiting goal! The hymns are very easy to play! Being told from the get-go that you don’t need to accomplish much doesn’t enthuse the kids (nor does hymn playing quite frankly).
Dixie! Tell me more! What would you say would be the right way to set the stage for a beginning piano player to develop a passion for piano? I love this conversation!
SO much to say about this. I don’t have time now, but the short story is: My mother told me when I was, maybe, 12: “Whatever you do, don’t become a singer. You’ll only make a fool of yourself.” I liked singing at the time, but had no such plans. Later, when I had my first semester of voice lessons in college, the teacher failed me and when I questioned him, told me I should “intensive therapy and analysis.” By that time I was hooked on voice training. Pretty much all I wanted to do was learn more about music and singing. But my singing was weak and wobbly in the head register, probably from 3 years of belting out the 2nd alto part in the high school choir. I wormed my way back into voice lessons at the college, this time with a kinder teacher, who finally sent me to someone he thought might be able to help me. With her I started to work out my technique. I worked hard, and by the time I was 30 I was singing pretty well. After a recital of lieder that I was proud of (a first) my mother told me “Those songs are not for you.” She had heard Lotte Lehman sing them, she said. I told her the Rutgers music faculty said it was possibly the best graduate recital they’d had. I said I wished she could find something positive to say, since I respected her opinion (she had studied voice and piano). She said “That’s because you know I’ll tell you the TRUTH.” That did it; I didn’t speak to her again for a few years. I moved to NYC, got a scholarship to study in the Master’s program at Mannes, started getting opera work with good reviews in, e.g., the NY and LA Times.
All of this taught me that it really is possible to go from below average singer to high level professional opera soloist. It took about 10 years of very hard and persistent effort, but I loved the process. I also learned to teach along the way, which I do to this day, and love even more than I used to love performing. I teach everyone from professional singers to rockers to self described nonsingers who thought they were tone deaf and are learning to sing on pitch. A few of these have performed at a local music venue, with much joy.
Gypsy Thug Mom, I’d love to exchange ideas with you in greater depth! Leaving tomorrow AM though to teach some singing-acting classes in Nebraska
Cathy! Your story is dumbfounding! Thank you so much for writing it down for us. What inspires me the most is how you did not take no for an answer, even from professionals. That is not normal. You must have a deep love of song if you were willing to push off those negative reports. I want to slap your mother, also. Please oh please can I talk to you? I am doing research for a book and I would love to ask you some questions and pick your brain. Will you email me at gypsythugmom@gmail.com? Thank you SO much for commenting!
As a teenager I tried out for one of those traveling singing groups, but was told I had too much breath, which I didn’t understand that at the time. Later in my 40s I took a vocal ensemble class where I learned to hit the high notes better. Too bad I didn’t learn this stuff in junior high glee club.
Sherry, the part I like about this story is the fact that later in your 40’s you took another run at it! Way to go after something you love! Did you sing at all in the years between?
We’ve struggled with this with Salem, who desires with all of his heart to sing. He was pretty terrible up to even a few months ago, and still isn’t great. He asks me if I think he is a good singer, and I tell him that I think he can be. We promised to start lessons in January after football and holidays are all over. But already I hear improvement. He naturally finds the alto (thanks to me), but is super pitchy on it. We encourage him to find the melody and stick with it as best he can. He was just singing along to a Bieber song not even 10 minutes ago and he was on pitch for most of it. Baby steps. I want him to have his dreams, but I also don’t want to be the parent of the kid who shows up for Idol and says “What do you mean? My mom loves my voice!”
So… if you have any rec’s for a coach in Keller… ❤️
So cool! You are doing the right thing with Salem by encouraging to learn to sing! I think that’s the biggest thing you can do at this point, to teach him that singing is a skill that improves with practice. Notice every small improvement and encourage him that his practice is what is making it better! I don’t know any vocal coaches in Keller but I will keep my ears open. Love you Julie!
My grade 9 vocal teacher made faces during one of my first singing tests. I soooo wanted to be a singer, but that one moment in time clouded me for years. It wasn’t until I was 32 when I found Sweet Adeline’s and was celebrated that I could sing baritone. Now, 20 years later, I am thrilled to be teaching and directing a small Sweet Adeline Chorus, helping other women “find their voice”.
Liana! Your 9th grade vocal teacher just did not understand how to spot potential (and I want to punch him/her.) I want to know about Sweet Adeline’s and I celebrate your victory with you! I am doing research for a book and I would love to ask you some questions about the years between 9th grade and Sweet Adeline’s. If you would be willing to field a few questions, would you email me at gypsythugmom@gmail.com? Thank you for telling this story!
Thank you so much for this blog post. I am also a voice teacher and I have been finding that most of my voice students are Adult women and men who have suffered from this exact ailment. People telling them they CAN’T sing. I find that it is also a problem with choir directors in elementary schools and middle schoolers that crush the kids dreams when they are at such a crucial stage in development. I also recently wrote a blog post about this.
http://mairethesoprano.wixsite.com/maireclement/single-post/2017/10/11/The-Myth-of-Being-Tone-Deaf
Maire! Thank you so much for responding! I loved your blog post and I can tell that you and I are of the same mind! Since we are in the same profession, I would love to be able to ask you some questions for the research side of my new book. If you would be willing, would you email me at gypsythugmom@gmail.com?
Similar story, did not get into an audition singing group in 6th! grade, thought it was because I was not a good singer. Fast forward 12 years with a new baby that I wanted to sing to. Guess what! He loved me singing to him, have been singing ever since (38 years). I have led the adult choir in my church and now lead the children in my church. I use lots of music every day in my job as a preschool teacher. I sing everyday with my grandchildren and they will never think they cannot sing as long as I am around!I
Karen! Did someone TELL you that you could not sing or was it just an assumption you made? I am super interested in your answer!
I am an elementary school general music teacher. Literally half of my interactions with parents revolve around this subject. We spend hours in 1st and 2nd grade having the students sing solo in front of the whole class, and they are gently forced (by me) to give a compliment and applause and to thank every single one for sharing their gift to the world. And by the end of 2nd grade, they are usually pretty comfortable using their singing voices. And I send home PSAs at the beginning of the year informing parents that yes, your student needs to explore their singing voice at home and that yes, the best way of doing that is to sing with their parents, brothers, and sisters.
When I have a student that moves to my school from another, and they haven’t had a boot camp in being accepting when another person sings, I have to scramble to train then in our ways. I have had a new second grader laugh in another student’s face about their singing. Not only did it break my heart, but the class never sang the same way again. This is a truly delicate balance we are striking here.
One more observation–as children get older they become more aware of the singing stigma. By 5th grade, most don’t want to buy into it. I had the principal and a superintendent visit my classroom one time, and I asked them to join us in singing a short song. (Three Little Birds, a favorite with the kids at my school) The superintendent agreed but my principal said flatly, “I can’t sing.” I took her out in the hallway and briefly explained the gist of your article and my philosophy to her and asked her to apologize to the class and to explain to them that she meant to express that she hasn’t sung for a long time and that she was nervous about trying again. She gave a half-assed apology and the kids saw right through it. But she damaged those kids self-image almost permanently. There was very little singing from that class for the rest of the year.
Thank you for your article.
Zack! You are a brilliant game changer and you are being part of the solution! Can I ask you some questions via email about your philosophy and approach? I am doing research for my new book and I think you hold some answers to some of my biggest questions. I would love to know you! Would you email me at gypsythugmom@gmail.com if you are willing?
I have taught choir for over twenty years. I decided before I began that I would never tell someone they couldn’t sing. I take as many untrained singers as I can get, some of whom still have difficulty matching pitch, and over the course of a school year, mold them into a choir that makes beautiful music.
If you want an interesting take on this, read what James Jordan, of Westminster Choir College, had to say about musical aptitude!
Jody, thank you so much for this and James Jordan’s stuff is going to be a part of the research for my book. Because you have 20 years experience in teaching choir, I would just love to ask you some questions. If you are willing, would you email me at gypsythugmom@gmail.com? Thank you so much!
Loved, loved, loved this blog! I am one of those kids who’s parent wounded my little high school soul after my first (and only) solo. My ‘how’d I do?’ question was answered with ‘you were flat’ by my musician father. I still sang following that but always within a group or choir; never tried for a solo again. I am now 65, still singing in a choir but that comment has been playing in my brain for 50 years. I always assume I sing flat. I have 5 grown daughters, 2 professional vocalists, the others sing and some play instruments. My husband and I raised our children in a home that loves music and whatever their interest were, we tried hard to get them the training they needed. I suppose I turned that comment around by trying to help my children attain what I didn’t, giving them the tools they needed to try. But most of all, love life, fill it with things you enjoy!
Linda, it stuns me that a 50 year old comment still has the power to shut someone down. It highlights for me the powerful role that a parent, especially a musical parent plays in developing or shutting down a young singer. I am glad you turned this on it’s head for your own children. I am doing research for a book and would love to ask you some questions about your story. If you are willing, would you email me at gypsythugmom@gmail.com?
Thank you for continuing to shed light on this issue. As a choir director I can say that seldom does a week go by that I don’t hear a horror story from an adult who was told as a child not to sing. We need to do better.
Have you read this article posted earlier this year? I think it is right up your alley.
http://theconversation.com/stop-obsessing-over-talent-everyone-can-sing-74047
Adam! Thank you for posting! I had not read that blog post but I wanted to fist pump and yell when I did, I loved it so much! I would love to ask you some questions about how you help the adults you encounter who need help overcoming negative feedback during developmental years. If you are willing, would you email me at gypsythugmom@gmail.com? Thanks so much!
Wonderful article and comments! I a music teacher Prek-8. I see the range. I’m just starting to really dig into this topic with my middle schoolers. They are starting to open up and sing for me. It brings me no end of joy.
The only time I cringe is when adults tell me that they can’t sing. I have started telling anyone that will listen, YES YOU CAN! So do it!! God gave you a voice so you can use it! Plus, everytime I hear someone say this, it is frequently within earshot of their children. OH! Or worse! It’s a fellow teacher who says this!! I’m tempted to start doing faculty lessons!
Story time, I have one student in JH. He’s kind of a class clown sort. He has struggled vocally for the past 3 years I have taught him. He’s very loud and quite off pitch but very enthusiastic. Last music class, the other boys started to ask him why he was singing like that and were imitating him, because they thought he was joking around and I was letting him get away with it. I didn’t want to put him on the spot by giving a big lecture so I took one of the other boys to the side and said, “he’s not messing around, that’s how he sounds. He’s getting better every week, please be supportive.” And actually, he is getting better!! I try to tell him so every chance I get. Changing voices is very difficult for boys. I’m still trying to figure out teaching it. I’ve only taught middle school for four years. It’s disorienting to not be able to sing the same notes they used to and have to hear an octave lower than my notes. I feel like I’m getting better at teaching them though and I have to say, all my JH boys are the most enthusiastic singers! It’s the JH girls who are reluctant. It’s like pulling teeth to get them to sing for me!
Diana, thank you so much for posting! I think you have such a unique position as an “interceptor” of kids at the time in their lives where they make the most solid decisions about what they can and cannot do. I am cheering you on! I agree that adults who are misinformed about the nature and physical function of singing do so much damage by verbalizing their beliefs about themselves! If you would be willing for me to ask you some questions for my book research, would you email me at gypsythugmom@gmail.com?
In my house (and especially in my car) we SING! One time my 10 year old criticized my singing and my 7 year old came to my defense (?) with “Mom sings for fun not for beauty.” I want that written on my tombstone.
I love all of this! I have always taught my music classes (babies and parents, elementary through high school, private, choirs, you name it…) with the idea that singing is an essential life skill. I think the best singing comes from a place of joy and confidence. It’s amazing how much time I spend helping students to unload and wade through baggage that others dumped on them. I tell my students that if everyone would just spend more time singing together, we wouldn’t have time, or even be interested, in fighting. I direct a community children’s choir and our motto, boldly stated on our tie-dye t-shirts, is “Making the world better, one song at a time!”
Yes, Yes, Yes! I am a music teacher and I have worked with many students (adults and children) who either believed themselves to be tone deaf or were told early on that they were tone deaf or couldn’t sing. And with time and work, not a single student, whether young or old, has walked away a failure. Never. They all improve to various degrees and many of them build the confidence to do things they’d always dreamed of, but never thought possible, like joining choirs or singing groups.
Fabulous post! Thanks for sharing. I sing in a couple of choirs & in recent years have sung & performed with 2 others. I didn’t discover my voice for 40 years because mistakenly my grade 4 (year 4 for Brits) told me that I was tone-deaf & to mouth the words.
It wasn’t until I was 26, that I discovered I wasn’t & 1st took up the flute at the encouragement of my brother who is an educated musician & a very supportive boss who found me my 1st flute teacher. Another 14 years on & I began to explore my voice & was told that I had quite a wide range from soprano 1 to alto 2. After two years of singing in 4 choirs, I have now settled into alto 2 sections.
Oddly, as a child, I aimed to be an alto, as that was the section my friends sang in, but I was likely a natural soprano. Primary school teachers in the 60s had to teach across the full curriculum in Canada where I was educated, so I suspect the teacher that declared my lack of tone, did not recognise that I was trying to sing beyond my range.
I now love singing & couldn’t imagine life without it. I am so grateful to my brother & boss who became a life long friend & the many coaches & other singers who have continued to encourage & listen to me.
Thank you for this. I have a rather pained history with singing, and the positive comments I have received as an adult have done little to overcome the tapes from my childhood. However, this post has given me the encouragement I needed to seek out a vocal coach to help me, at the ripe old age of 60, be comfortable with singing in public.
My first encounter with negativity was in the 3rd grade when I attempted to join a children’s choir that was somehow affiliated with my public school. I remember being called out by the choir director during my first rehearsal with words along the line of, “You there! You cannot sing. Please leave.” Yes….. 3rd grade.
The second was during a talent show when I was in 5th grade. My best friend and I had decided to sing “Let’s Go Fly a Kite” from the then newly released movie, Mary Poppins. We had practiced and practiced and were excited to participate. As just about any 5th grader would, I belted out the tune and sang with all my heart. Afterwards, my best friend and I were ecstatic. In our joy, we asked our teacher how we did. She was rather busy and seemed bothered by the question. Her answer was short and abrupt….”You were flat!”
I have tried participating in various choirs throughout my adulthood, and always with positive outcome. However, I am still very timid when singing, and have been unable to muster the strength to sing solo publicly because I still hear the voices from those two incidents. I am an ordained minister and have been told by numerous colleagues how much singing lessons have helped with breath control, enunciation and even stylistic flexibility when preaching. Additionally, of course, music is a major component of most religious services, and my ability to be confident in leading those aspects of worship would help enormously.
Again, your post has given me one more push (that may actually work) to get past those bad experiences and celebrate life musically. Thank you!
Singing is a joy unto itself. I don’t remember being shamed as a child or overtly being categorized as one who was unable to sing, but I know I was not encouraged, and I arrived at adulthood believing that I had a “weak voice.” I learned to sing with gusto by joining in with shape note singing gatherings, and I know from that experience that singing is indeed a skill that can be developed. This is a wonderful, early-American (de facto Christian), singing tradition, where the singers gather for the joy of singing in community with their fellows. It is four-part acapella singing, and it can be as rousing as a roller coaster ride.
I love to sing. I’m not terrible, but I’m also not great. I sang in treble and concert choir until I quit my senior year of high highschool, mostly because I got the idea since I wasn’t as good as others that it meant I wasn’t any good at all and shouldn’t bother. Coming from a family with a 2 instrument minimum where everyone sings, I used to say that I was the one the talent skipped. I stopped singing until I had kids and then it was just the sort of lullaby-hummy-things that moms sing. It wasn’t until my aunt (who is prodigiously talented as a singer and pianist and violin player) overheard me singing to my daughter and was crying because she hadn’t heard me sing in years (almost a decade at that point) that I realised how much I missed out on because I wasn’t as good as I perceived others to be. How did I get the idea that I had to given up something I loved just because I wasn’t going to be on Broadway or something? Life can be my own freaking musical. This has sort of inspired me to look into lessons…I’m still never going to be on Broadway, but why shouldn’t I have the opportunity to get better at something I love to do? I’m never going to win the Boston Marathon either!
When I was a child our family sang. We all did, it was just what we did. I was singing four-part harmonies by the age of 7.
Then, aged 10 I went to grammar school. I was delighted to discover there was a choir, and immediately signed up to audition. I failed. The music teacher told me (in front of a classroom full of my peers) that I was tone deaf. I was stunned, humiliated and heart broken. I didn’t tell my parents, because I thought they’d be ashamed.
I didn’t sing again until I was 20, when a friend heard me humming along with his piano playing and asked me to sing a couple of songs.
35 years later I’m a full-time, professional singer. This year alone I’ve toured the U.K. , Germany and the Netherlands, Australia and New Zealand. I sent that music teacher a copy of my first album. She didn’t reply.
Singing is not only my job. It’s a joy, something I love to share. (I also run harmony singing workshops at festivals.) Miss Hurst, you were a disgrace to your profession.
This article meant so much to me! I love to sing, but only in the privacy of my car. My first grade music teacher told me I could not sing while trying out for a part in the winter concert. The solo went to the girl sitting next to me, who I must add went on to become a professional vocalist! Talk about shaming…it’s been sad for me to discover how many children are shamed for not only music but other creative endeavors. Perhaps the reason I now work with kids and seek to provide them opportunities for creative play…
Yes! I am a music teacher and believe everyone should be able to use their voice in music education. I teach elementary school students and previously, high school students. As a general music class teacher I use singing every lesson, everyday. The Kodaly approach to music education emphasis the importance of singing. Everyone can sing! Thank you for writing this from the perspective of a voice teacher.
This is me. I always loved to sing, but was told by family members I couldn’t sing. I was so ashamed of my voice, I only sang alone in the car, or when walking on the beach so the waves could drown me out. When my daughter was born, I began singing to her, simple little songs, and I was surprised at how much my voice improved with practice. Then, with great trepidation, I began singing with a local community group that performed a Christmas revels show. I was always afraid that everyone thought I was terrible and was just too polite to tell me. When that group ended, I decided to audition for a new choral group that had started a year or two before, whose director was someone I knew through work. I was terrified, because it required an audition. But I practiced my song a thousand times and did it. And they let me in. It is one of the joys of my life. I wish I’d met someone like you earlier on!
I’ve always love singing. My family never discouraged it but they didnt pursue on it either. However, my mom got me into piano lessons & ballet.
However, in 2nd grade, my music teacher started the class with vocal warm ups. Those that can sing the right notes were placed in the Blue bird group. And those that can’t, went to the White bird group. I’ve always been in the latter group. That traumatic experience left me scarred for years. It didn’t stop me from singing but in my mind, I’ve always known I can’t be a good one. Because of that, I never tried out for Glee club in high school even when I wanted it so badly. As I grew older, I still kept on singing and later joined church choirs. I’ve figured if I’m really not good in following the right pitch, I can hide it by singing in a group. LOL
Now, I have my own daughter who loves to sing just like her Mama. I’ve always encouraged her and got her involve in musical theater by age 8. She’s now 11 years old & I also got her started in vocal lessons over a year ago. And since I’ve never had a formal training, I thought maybe I should do it too since I’ve never really learn how to sing the proper way and also to check off something from my bucket list.
And that was over a year ago. Now, I’m a strong Alto belter with a Mezzo range. I can also hit Soprano range up to high A and working on getting those upper range stronger. My vocal coach has also invited me to join his Broadway choir group since I started my training with him over a year ago. And now I sing show tunes every Sunday in front of a small group. And just very recently, I’ve tried out for my very first audition for a local community theater. I did good considering that was my very first audition ever (not to mention how nervous I was at that moment).
I’m now 47 years old and took me 39 years to finally get over that bad experience. In hindsight I probably shouldn’t have waited that long to get voice lessons. But I don’t regret it now. Bottom line is, it’s never too late to pursue something
Thank you so much for writing that article.
Thank you for writing this piece – much needed and well done!
I absolutely agree with all of this.
In my house, it’s my kids (elementary- and middle-school-age) who tell me to stop singing. Sometime I stop and sometimes I don’t, but I would never tell them to stop singing. And sometimes we sing together.
People confuse “singing a known song as written” with just “singing.”
My fifth grade music teacher told me I was tone deaf. I’m now 64 and still afraid to even try to sing in front of anyone other than my husband. He puts up with me! About 10 years ago a colleague at a college where I worked was working with our staff group on a music performance for a staff party. (I was horrified that I was to be part of this.). I told her what my fifth grade music teacher said and she asked me if I could hear changes in tone when someone talked. Of course I said yes and she said then you are not tone deaf. I can often hear that my singing is not just a note or two off but way off but can’t fix it. But I do believe what you say that while we can’t all be great singers it is to some degree a learned skill. There was a time before all of our electronics when singing was what family did in the evenings and almost everyone learned to sign at least a little. Your students are lucky to have you.
I was in choir in 6th grade and really liked it. As a project outside of regular songs, three friends and I learned “Do Re Mi” and sang it one day during the lesson. The teacher sat there looking both bored and horrified and actually rolled his eyes when we messed up one part of the song. All my interest and enthusiasm in singing shriveled up and died at that moment. I was so embarrassed to have even tried. I have always just assumed I had a terrible voice since then, but found that even with a “bad” voice, karaoke is a lot of fun! And when a friend was dying, the only solace I found was when we all sang together at his living wake. After his death, I joined a choir for about 6 months. It was both fun and terrifying, but I didn’t continue because I felt that I didn’t know enough about reading music or singing to keep up. I appreciated reading your essay and I hope that it will make someone think twice before they unthinkingly ruin singing or music for a kid.
I run a pub sing in Minneapolis, and it’s been so great to see how people have grown as singers over the years, with improved tone control, ability to learn and internalize songs, harmonize, and so on. Formal lessons are great, but so are opportunities to just get out and belt among friendly folks!
THANK YOU for this post! I share your frustration and sadness that so many people have been told not to sing. I was shut down around singing for other reasons, and finding my voice was life-changing. I started offering “fun choirs” for adults (no performing!) 10 years ago, and they just keep growing. It has become a personal mission of mine! Many people want to sing, but they often don’t have an outlet unless it’s in the shower or the car. It helps to have a safe, non-judgmental place to explore your voice, especially if you have spent years thinking “it’s not good.” I look forward to your future posts on the topic. Cheers!
Great article. I’m an elementary music teacher, choir director, professional soprano and voice teacher, and I agree wholeheartedly with this, particularly the comments about idolizing natural ability and solo singing.
The only caveat to the article I would offer is that students in elementary and middle school whose schools have a quality music program should not be encouraged to get voice lessons – they are already receiving vocal instruction in the classroom. I think your encouragement of voice lessons should be re-stated as quality vocal instruction, as to most people the phrase “voice lessons” implies private instruction. As I’m sure you know, very few vocal teachers encourage true voice lessons in elementary school as it’s not vocally appropriate for most children. If, however, they don’t have a music program in their school, then a voice teacher who understands the child’s voice is totally acceptable – but most don’t!