My lovely readers, I am afraid that the subject I am about to breach is a touchy one. I was a part of the problem in my later growing up years and I didn’t even realize it (I’m sorry, Mom.) You’re always the last to think about it until it happens to you. At this point, I have now been mulling this subject over for about 24 years. I have finally put a name to it, this insidious, frustrating, exhausting systemic unawareness.
WHAT IS IT?
Momsogyny: a subconscious belief system adopted by family members over time that every unpleasant, laborious and obvious job should be left for the Mother to take care of, even though they totally know how to do it.
P.S. This is not an official dictionary definition because I made this word up.
WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?
Exhibit A: note that the dishwasher would need to be emptied in order for the dirty dishes to be put in. This obviously could not happen because I was not home. #momsogyny
Exhibit B: note that since the garbage bin is full the garbage must be piled next to it all day long because I was not there to empty it. Obviously. #momsogyny (Also I don’t want to hear it about the Cuervo, we were on a budget.)
Momsogyny springs from the underlying and mostly accurate belief that moms are freakin’ super heros who will take care of all of your problems. Can you write your name in dust on the coffee table? Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, Mom will eventually take care of that on her off day. Empty milk jug? Why walk it allllllll the wayyyyy to the trash can when you know Mom will find it in the fridge and dispose of it FOR you?! Did you leave some nasty poop cling-ons in the toilet during your last movement? Why go find a toilet brush yourself when Moms SO love to clean up poop??? I think you get the picture. And now to the question we’re all dying to know the answer to…
WHOSE FAULT IS IT?
This is the kicker.
Momsogyny is a Mom’s own fault.
Trust me, I have thought about this from so many angles. I have discussed it over so many coffees with my girlfriends. I have taken stock of my own behavior as both a momsogynistic teenager and a victim of momsogyny myself and I remain convinced that for me and so many other mothers, the whole deal is our fault.
Momsogynists are people who KNOW how to do chores. They were trained, as young children, how to dust, sweep, vacuum, fold laundry, do dishes and clean the bathroom properly. They can totally DO the stuff. They were probably drilled under some noble mantra like “if a job is worth doing, it’s worth doing well.” If you offered them a chore chart and some media tickets, they would jump back on the house tidying bandwagon with great vigor, like motivated robots.
But right about the time the kids seem too old for chore charts and life gets busier, a Mom can somehow regress into taking those tasks on again herself, like her whole family are helpless newborn babies again. We forgot to teach them how LOVING it is to take RESPONSIBILITY for their own messes and we mistakenly assume that this kind of empathy and consideration is inherent in all human psyches. It ain’t.
Sorry Moms. It’s your fault.
TEACH AWARENESS Don’t get me wrong, my family will still do chores. If I bring to their attention that the dishwasher needs emptying, they will totally do it. And when they are finished, they will walk right past that overflowing garbage can and it won’t even occur to them that they could empty it. This means I have to march around my house daily to see what everybody has ignored and ask them to take care of it, task by task, with great detail and specificity.
We teach people how to treat us. If our family is allowed to treat us like an on-call maid who will enable their slob lifestyles, that’s what they will most likely do. It’s their path of least resistance. If we teach them that moms are actual human beings with real lives, ideas and goals that have nothing to do with cleaning up their messes, they will respond. They love us! They want us to be happy! We have to TEACH them to be aware of us in matters of dishes, trash, laundry, toilets and snack wrappers. (To be fair, I have seen signs of this growing anti-momsogynistic awareness in my adult children and I have hope for the future.)
Here is the appeal I am making to my family. Feel free to copy, report, print out, send like a letter or tack this little edict to the walls in your house.
Dear Family,
You are momsogynists.
It is not your fault.
I taught you how to do the work, but I never taught you how to think about it. I taught you that if you were told to do something, to do it well. But I forgot to teach you how to SEE a mess and to connect that mess to my stress and unhappiness. My “acts of service” love language is in action towards you almost every minute of the day. I never taught you how to love ME with acts of service. I never told you how loved I feel when someone takes the initiative to clean up a space before I even ask. I also never told you that when you trash a common space and walk away without taking care of it, that I feel disregarded, used and so utterly unthought of. I am tired. I hate being the mess police. I am sorry for not saying this sooner.
I was a momsogynist too and I’m sorry for allowing you to turn into momsongynists.
Also, I forgive you.
Wow! This is me! Totally my fault!
Bobbie!!! We can chaaaaaaaange!