My lovely readers, today I am going to lead you into that awkward no man’s land where we good parents try to convey the concept of sexual intercourse to our children. It is one of the most terrifying responsibilities we have and I just want to make it easier for you. I am certain that the fact that Barry and I have broached this subject with all four of our children makes us legit experts on the best way to communicate this to kids. Once you have finished this article, you will be fully armed and ready to take the bull by the horns, so to speak.
Just kidding. We had no idea what were doing at any point and have some fabulous stories to show for it. Our poor kids. Poor kids everywhere, for that matter. There they are, just living their awesome little kid lives and someone sits them down to tell them the grossest thing they have ever heard and then tells them that it’s all natural and normal and if they have any questions to feel free to ask. Give. Me. A. Break.
Most of my friends’ parents never even had “the talk” with them. And the generation before that had even less to say to their children about it. Some of my friends were given the “Life Cycle Library” or James Dobson’s “Preparing For Adolescence” and were left to put the pieces together on their own. How are we supposed to know how to have this conversation with our own children if no one ever had it with us? I dare say, we are ill-equipped.
My mother was sort of progressive and decided to tell me when I was 7. I was in my room playing with barbies when she came in and sat beside me. She explained that when two people love each other they do something called “make love.” She said that the man lays on top of the woman and then something about “penis and vagina.” I felt weird. I was no rocket scientist but when I imagined a man just straight up laying on top of a woman, I could not figure out how the other stuff she mentioned could even happen. (I finally figured that out when I saw an indigenous sculpture of some folks executing it perfectly a few years later.) She asked me if I had any questions and the only one burning in my mind, which I quickly voiced was, “Doesn’t the man squish the woman?” She assured me that it all worked out and that no women were squished during the making of love. I received both the Life Cycle Library (book 1 was my fave) and James Dobson’s book (quite a page turner, I might add) and I know I have more tools in my belt to approach this subject than most parents these days. Thanks Mom!
BUT STILL.
These days, there is a sense of urgency for parents to get the information to their kids before somebody else does. Somebody else like other ill-informed kids, tv, music or the internet. It’s a race to make the first impression and we want to do it right. I frankly resent that pressure and put it off as long as we felt we possibly could. I asked my girlfriends if any of them had any resources or good ideas. One of my friends had this book that read like a story. It’s a beautifully illustrated book that tells the tale of a couple all the way from first glance to their wedding day to having their own children. She said you just read it to your kids and the explanation of sex would happen right in the middle of the story, with a lovely, child-friendly illustration to boot. I couldn’t think of a less threatening way than an actual story time, so I borrowed the book.
The weirdest story time my kids ever experienced took place that day. We sat down together with Russell and read through the lovely, innocent looking book. He was all into the beautifully worded story and Monet-style illustrations until…the penis and vagina page. I don’t care how great of a storyteller you are, there is no way to write a book for children with those two words in it that won’t completely freak a kid out. Some adults can’t even SAY those words. We saw Russell kind of jerk back in shock at the inclusion of these words in this story time and he remained silent and stock still for the rest of the book. I just read on as though he hadn’t been shocked out of his mind. When the story finally came to a close, I asked him what he thought about the way God had designed all of that. He said, and this is verbatim:
“Isn’t there any other way???”
“Like what?” I replied.
“I don’t know, like…like….head butts or high fives?”
Annnnnd that was the end of Barry and I being the adults in that scenario. Barry and I howled with laughter and high fived each other repeatedly while Russell just kind of sat there, traumatized. This concept of head butts and high fives as acts of intimacy has become a part of our family culture now and on Russell’s wedding day, we will be high fiving him symbolically.
Even though this special story time went so wildly awry, we had no better ideas so we used the book on the other three kids when it was their turn to know the unthinkable. Ivy just wanted to make sure that we didn’t want her to do that, which was a good sign. When it was time to tell Sam and Elliott, we chose to tell them together and this time, we had a camera rolling because we instinctively knew that a Beavis and Butthead situation was about to erupt and we wanted that on film. They sat on either side of me on a big chair and when we got to the penis and vagina page, they both jerked back wide-eyed, looked at each other and screamed. Perfectly appropriate, I thought. This is probably how all children really want to respond.
So there you have it. We never figured out a great, non-traumatic way to have this conversation with our children. If you did, please leave it in the comments so that my lovely readers can get some help from somewhere today.
The one bit of wisdom I do have to give you on this subject is that we have got to be the generation that makes this subject ok territory for our families. We have got to be able to talk about armpit hair and periods and every glorious part of being human with our children. We have to be the loudest voice in their lives on this subject, the competition for their hearts and minds being as fierce as it is. If we want shame-free children, we have got to make it ok for them to be curious and to ask questions. If it wasn’t discussed in your home, turn that on it’s head and bravely carve out a different family culture for your kids. Growing up is hard and we have got to be the safe place our children need us to be for all of the changes of puberty, the challenges of relationships and the precious subject of their own sexuality. This doesn’t get handled in “the talk.” Rather, it is an ongoing conversation that you need to be secure enough to facilitate. Be brave and make this conversation ok at your house. We got this! High fives, guys.
