HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN PROPERLY

Hello my lovely readers! That’s right, I’m going to tell you everything I know about raising children.

Baha. This should be over quick.

After 22 years of raising 3 boys and one girl, I am less confident about my “parenting plan” than I have ever been.

That’s the trick that parenting plays on you. You are given a squiggly, warm, helpless being that you love more than your own life. To make sure you know how to take good care of this precious life, you read some books and subscribe to Parenting magazine. If you were my parents, you read some good ol’ Dr. Spock and The Strong Willed Child, in a desperate effort to get me in hand. If you were me, you read Babywise and Dare To Discipline and scoured the “What To Do” articles in Parenting magazine. You want to be equipped, ready for anything life might throw at your baby and anything that your baby might throw at you.

You feel the gravity of the task ahead. When my first son was born, my mom stayed to help me for the whole first week. I remember the day she left. I had a fleeting babysitter thought like “I wonder when this baby’s mother is coming to get…..oh wait…that’s me…this…is…forever…” It’s a truly terrifying responsibility. No wonder we grasp for books and blogs and make these big decisions about how life will be for our kids. We feel secure if we have a plan.

My plan went like this…

MY KIDS WILL:
be born at home without drugs
sleep on a schedule
be good nursers
be educated at home
share well with others
obey without question
do chores
be kind
know the Bible
have a great work ethic

MY KIDS WON’T:
talk back
throw fits in public places
cuss, drink or do drugs
date until they are in college
eat sugary cereal

22 years later, I have abandoned my plan. Everything I staked my parental reputation on matters nothing to me any more. Sure, I hope my kids have character, good self esteem and healthy habits. In 22 years literally everything that I once considered to be non-negotiable is now not only negotiable but even trivial and ridiculous. It would have been really hard for me to read this article when I was 25 because my plan gave me a trajectory and made me feel like a good mother. I was proud of my plan. My plan WAS great…if I had been raising robots.

However, who I am shepherding are four unique, beautiful human beings with their own set of experiences, talents, opinions and thoughts. While it would be negligent of me not to teach them things that are important for human beings to know, there was too much utopia in my plan and not enough real life.

What if my baby is tongue tied and can’t nurse? What if my son is too extroverted to flourish in an isolated homeschool environment? What if one of my kids is a super taster and literally CANNOT eat certain vegetables without physically gagging? What if my own life journey takes me out of a typical church environment for several years and a couple of my kids don’t know a crap ton about the Bible?

Does that mean I failed?

No way! It means that fascinating, plan-defying beings are in MY care and I AM ALSO one of those fascinating, plan-defying beings.

And as they grow…

What if open dialog and connective conversation ends up being far more valuable than implicit obedience? What if one of my kids struggles with a dark depression that I have no answers for? What if I have to change my mind about certain religious ideas I would have bet the farm on and I need to listen to what my vibrant, empathetic kids have to say about them? What if my kids do things that embarrass or mortify me? What if people talk about how lax I am or how out of control my kids are?

What if everything I thought was important in parenting….isn’t?

22 years later, I know less than ever about the right way to raise a child. Parenting has humbled and shaken me. It has made me a better daughter and a better human. It has changed how I think about people. It causes me to pray more and to listen more. In my toolbox now, there are so few non-negotiables. The kicker is, these non-negotiables aren’t about what MY KIDS will do. They are about what I will do. Making a plan for how other people are going to be is absurd (I know that now.) Making a plan for how I will be – now that is doable. I am truly the only person I can control. 22 years later, here is my list of non-negotiables.

1. ALWAYS ASK FORGIVENESS
   It is your great privilege to be an apologizer. You are not the Queen. You are a squishy human being. You mess up. You are sharp, mean, unreasonable, preoccupied or even just straight up wrong every now and then. Give your fellow squishy human child the dignity of your apology and ask them to forgive you. If you can model this for them, they will know how to apologize to their children too. This will circumvent a parental dictatorship in which your child ends up feeling like they are less of a person than you are.
2. BE MERCIFUL I once attended a Q & A by author and speaker, Stasi Eldredge. Stasi has three boys of her own and someone posed the question to her, “What is the most important thing to know in regard to raising boys?” I was ready to hear her say, “teach them to work hard” or “they must know how to treat women” but what she said disarmed and convicted me. She said, “Mercy. You need to show them mercy. As a mother, you may be the one place they get to experience it.” What?! Not how to save money or lead with confidence? Truly, the world is without mercy. Where else but on your watch will your children get to experience firsthand what it means not to get what they deserve? What is God like anyhow? Don’t you need mercy yourself? I’m not talking about having no boundaries. Sometimes boundaries are the most merciful move you can make for your child. Incorporating mercy as part of my plan about how I will be as a parent has changed a lot of things – things about me and things about them.
3. CHOOSE CONNECTION…OVER EVERYTHING This I learned from Danny Silk. I acquired his outstanding book, “Loving Our Kids On Purpose” when my oldest was about to leave for college. Once I finished the book, I was heartsick as I examined the ways in which I had used shame to control and discipline my children. Danny’s teachings have helped me to learn to value connection above everything in my relationships with my children. I now value it above obedience. I also value it above being right. If I choose to disconnect from my child over a hardline, a principle, a conviction or a choice that they make then I have placed my ideals, my disappointment, my position or my reputation above my child. This approach has required me to a) calm the heck down b) put aside petty grievances and go for their heart and c) value my OWN heart in our relationship. Choosing connection requires me to tell my child when they have damaged our connection as well. This allows them to begin to view ME as a squishy human being too, and a relationship to be taken care of.
4. DO WHAT YOUR HEART TELLS YOU TO DO At many junctures in my parenting journey I have been at a straight up loss. Do we bring the hammer or the conversation? Do we continue as though nothing is wrong or do we mercifully bring unwanted boundaries? Do we try to talk to them just one more time? Do we take their phone and deliver them from so much access? Do we give them the money or require them to earn it? Do we ground them or….buy them a dog? Or both? What is your heart telling you to do? I’m not asking you what your rulebook says you should do, what your upbringing says you should do or what your neighbor says you should do. I am challenging you to reach beyond that library of content and listen with your heart for your child. Your child is unique, even different from your other children. Your child doesn’t need your manual, your child needs your heart. Listen intently to your own heart regarding what move to make at critical junctures and let the competing voices fade into the background.

If I had the chance to speak to my 25 year old new mommy self, this is what I would tell her, in summary: “Michelle, you might as well go ahead and give up the illusion that you ultimately have control over any other human being besides yourself. Decide who YOU are going to be and be that. Become an expert in forgiveness – asking for it and giving it out. Learn to operate in mercy, even if you don’t know how to give it to yourself, practice on your kids. Choose to do whatever it takes to stay connected to your child, they need YOU. Let your true heart, the one God gave you for your very unique child, guide your responses and decisions.”

After 22 years, that’s all I’ve got folks. I’m thinking it might be enough.