My lovely readers, this week I am writing in response to the many messages I have received requesting a follow up to my “Quit Telling Your Kids They Can’t Sing” blog. That post is my most widely read blog, with over 17,000 reads and I am still stunned by such an unexpected response. Since that post was published I have received countless messages from two primary groups of people. The first group is comprised of the folks who were told they would never be able to sing, that they just weren’t “born” with that ability. (We all know I consider that an ignorant, misguided diagnosis and it also makes smoke come out of my ears.) The second group is comprised of the music educators who work so hard to dispel the myth of “born singers”, who struggle to draw emotionally damaged singers out of their hesitancy and whose life work it is to release the gift of song in so many people’s lives.
Today I am writing to the second group: the brave educators who do what I do-the choir directors, the vocal coaches, the voice teachers, and the music teachers. Many of you have written me and given me ideas and new insights and I’m so jazzed about that! Some of you have written asking me to please elaborate on how to help someone get past their fear of singing, no matter where it originated. That’s where I’m going today.
You know the signs when you see them-the wringing of the hands, the shallow breathing, incessant talking or no talking at all, shaky lips, shaky hands, upset stomach or a trembling leg. Your student is scared to death. They may have been fine to be lost in the mix of a choir but asking them for a solo is a whole ‘nother thing. How can you help them through that? How can you help ease their fears effectively enough for their physical manifestations of fear to actually cease? If you don’t know how to help someone with their fear, you will accomplish far less in their lesson than if you tackle it head on.
Let me say, the kind of work we are addressing today is mental, emotional and spiritual work that translates into the physical realm with great success when implemented effectively. My pastoral and counseling training has been key to my gaining an understanding of the role of fear in singing. I am still researching and exploring this topic passionately and today will be the first post in a series on the subject of helping singers overcome fear.
A VOICE INSTRUCTOR MUST UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF EMPATHY
Oxford Dictionary defines empathy this way: “The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” Some of us are more naturally skilled in empathy, but everyone can learn to be empathetic. Empathy is different from sympathy in that it requires you to stop looking at someone’s struggle from the outside and just feel sorry for them. It requires you to educate yourself on the struggling person’s thoughts and feelings. This RSA video illustrating a Brene Brown teaching on empathy is so helpful.
If your student displays physical signs of fear or even tells you that they are afraid, it is your responsibility to find out why. You must learn to ask questions, like a detective, to get to the root of the fear. It may just be the regular old singing-in-front-of-someone-else jitters. That kind of fear can be diminished by doing some deep-breathing or relaxation exercises with the student and by keeping the atmosphere accepting and light. You have the privilege of establishing a culture of safety in your studio where your student can grow comfortable enough to relax in your presence. Acknowledging the nervousness and helping them to move through it with levity is the best course of action with those kind of jitters.
What if your student is manifesting signs of intense fear because they are convinced that they cannot do this thing they are attempting to do? Maybe someone in their life told them they couldn’t. You need this information! They only way you are going to get that information is by asking and trying to understand. At every first lesson I have with a student, I spend time asking questions about their musical background and more importantly, finding out WHY they want to take singing lessons. More often than not, if there is a story of their song being stolen from them, it will come out at this time. This is the most valuable piece of information you can get. Here are some initial questions you can ask your student to start moving towards the nitty gritty:
How long have you been singing?
When and where have you been singing?
Why do you want to take lessons and what do you hope to get out of it?
If your student has any tales of hurt to tell such as, “my mom told me I should try an instrument because I couldn’t sing but I have always wanted to try again” or “my choir teacher used to send me to the library because she said I was throwing everybody off” or “my friends took a video of me singing and passed it around for a joke and I haven’t sung since”, these are blatant clues to you of an intimate wound that a human has taken on. It will take bravery for them to overcome that hurdle. Once you know there is a deeper source of the fear, it is time for you to empathize.
If this does not come naturally for you, let me help you! Here are some further questions you can ask to gain a greater understanding of their struggle.
Wow, that is a really hurtful experience. How did you handle it at the time?
What made you decide to try again?
What does it feel like to be here today?
What is the thing you feel the most afraid of right now?
The answers to these questions are the keys to freedom from fear for your student. I have heard students say that they still hear the voice of that influential person ringing in their ears, every time they try to sing. Other students have told me that what they fear the most is discovering that their naysayer’s opinion was the truth…that maybe they can’t sing after all. If you want to help your student get free from the fear that keeps them from their song, you have to know what it is they are the most afraid of. Once you know their bottom line, you can offer empathy and a way forward. Here’s an example of what I would say to a student who still hears an old, critical voice in their head:
“I am so sorry that so-and-so said that to you about your singing. That was cruel and uneducated and really made you feel small. That incident has robbed you of your song for so long and has made it even physically difficult for you to be here today. It is a brave thing you are doing, going back to reclaim something you love and to find out for YOURSELF what is true. Let’s work on leaving so-and-so’s opinion in the ditch and let’s find out for ourselves what you are capable of. It may get gnarly in here on the way to finding your voice again and you may feel uncomfortable, and that’s ok. You are safe to experiment here and every week you will gain more confidence in your ability to let your song out.”
Those kind of words are powerful and effective, if your goal is for your student to feel safe and make progress. I have developed a reputation as a compassionate vocal coach who can lead a student to release their fears and find their song again. As a result, I continue to have fearful, wounded singers sign up for lessons and find their way back to their voice. This lights me up and makes my job worth doing. When someone is released from fear in one area of their life, that freedom inevitably spills over into other areas of their life. It’s that fact that makes my job more than just teaching people to sing but releasing people into freedom. Bring on the stories, the tears, the jitters and the upset tummies. Let’s contend for our brave, hesitant singers.
Some of you highly-educated, classically or otherwise trained voice teachers might consider my approach frivolous, indulgent and impertinent. That’s fine. I will just keep helping the fearful singers find their voices until they are no longer afraid of anything (especially you) and then I will send them on to you for the hard-core fine tuning.
Next week I will write about how to help change your student’s mind about the non-magical function of singing. This will give them a scientific basis to reject the critical, uneducated and unkind things that have been said to them by others. This is a radical conversation and is always a pivot point for a fearful student. I can’t wait for next week!
P.S. In March, I am starting research for a book I am writing on this very subject. Thank you to all of you who have responded to my emails, asking for a conversation and your opinions. I will reach out again in March to get the ball rolling. I can’t wait to talk to you! If anyone out there with experience on either side of this equation (singer/educator) would be willing to answer some curious questions I have, please email me at gypsythugmom@gmail.com, I would LOVE to talk to you!
