LET ME TELL YOU WHT YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR RUNNING SKIRT

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Have you ever heard of a running skirt? I guess they were invented to separate the boys from the girls (in running culture this can sometimes be difficult), or maybe so that running stores would have cuter stuff to sell. A friend gave me one, and I have only used it once on a backroad as I was afraid it would be perceived as a mini-skirt, and I have a pretty solid “no miniskirts ever, ever, ever…” policy. I pretty much spent the whole run pulling it down as far as it would go without showing crack, to avoid violating my policy.

One week the sun was out, the sky was blue and I was uncommonly optimistic.  On a whim I decided to give that running skirt another try and really commit to it this time. By commit I mean “commando”. In case you don’t know, most running pants, shorts and skirts are not meant to be worn with underwear. Less chafing, I guess they were thinking. Less bulk, I guess they were thinking. After this experience I know for sure they weren’t thinking about me.

“Commando” in a running skirt isn’t really as scary as you are probably thinking.  There are built in shorts underneath all of the cuteness. The shorts are a little spandex number with a cotton gusset (gentlemen, consult your dictionaries). I examined this gusset and ascertained that it would not suffice to protect me from my own bladder. I affixed an adhesive panty liner to the gusset area, knowing how I struggle with my bladder on those downhills.

I pulled the leg parts down out of the miniskirt zone and put on a looooong t-shirt. I put on all the rest of my gear and examined myself for some time in my full-length mirror.  I wouldn’t say I looked cute.  However my legs looked strong (albeit glow-in-the-dark after a Colorado winter) and I headed out the door.

Dear God. I was not yet a full mile when the panty liner wadded up the size of a shooter marble, adhesive side out, and affixed itself to a place nothing should ever, ever be affixed to.  Every step was a yanking of the un-yankable.  My first strategy was to just ignore it. I was in a neighbourhood by then and reaching up and extracting it was not an option. I tried to take small steps to prevent yanking and carry on. After another mile even the little yanks were too painful to ignore.

My next strategy was to try to shake it loose with vigorous running.  I saw a great downhill portion coming up and decided to really increase my stride and shake the imposter-barnacle out.  In my zeal I forgot what downhill would do to my bladder.

I was right, that gusset was not enough to protect me from myself. Neither was the sticky marble. At the bottom of the hill I slowed and took stock of my situation; I had peed freely through the girly skirt and into my SOCKS.  And the sticky marble was still stuck.

I walked the rest of the way home with tiny, chafing, disgusted, damp steps. Let me tell you what you can do with your running skirt. You can stick it right where your panty liner sticky shooter marble wants to go.

P.S. I still race against myself about once every two years. The farthest I’ve ever gone is 13.1 miles and I’m really happy about it. In my capris.

Me, Barry and my friend Cheryl, at the end of a 5k where I broke a bone in my foot. Another story.

Michelle Patterson has been cranking out songs since she was 13 years old. She and her husband, guitarist/songwriter/producer, Barry Patterson, have toured their music together for 22 years. Michelle is the Vice President of Ascension Arts, an organization that facilitates arts education events and performances all over the world. She is also a vocal and songwriting coach. She and Barry are raising four stupendous children and one paranoid hound dog princess.

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16 Comments

  1. Haha! I started running in earnest this September, but have yet to be brave enough to believe that commando means…..commando in this email things. On a side note, I just started pelvic floor therapy, too. Look it up. I’m hoping for great things. And no panty liners. 😉

    2. I wonder if pelvic floor therapy is harder/more effective for moms who have had more than 4 children. Because even though muscles stretch and bounce back well, I think 4+ babies diminish elasticity…..just sayin’…..

      1. Ohhhh, yup. I so agree. Everything changed after my fifth baby was born. Gone are the days of trampoline jumping and running 5ks. Without peeing my pants that is.

    1. Hey Jennifer!!!! Thanks for reading my sordid tale, from across the world! And thanks for your kind words! I tried being unrefreshing and fake for a few years and nobody bought it. 😉

  5. First of all, dying laughing in the carpool line. Second of all, I am with you on the 13.1 one time accomplishment and every few years grazing a low stride, casual run. Running is for the birds…and so unnatural. LOVE THIS! And you!

    1. I suck at it but there is something amazing that happens to me as I shuffle along for the length of a podcast. 🙂

  6. Oh Michelle,
    This had me laughing hysterically. It reminded me of telling my daughters about how Uncle Jerrod and I continually peed in our wetsuits to relieve pressure and warm ourselves up during our 24 hours race in the Las Vegas Desert. It is a known strategy to battle the freezing cold at night. They thought it was the grossest thing ever, and couldn’t believe I would willingly do that. The look on their faces when I told them how good it felt!

  7. I have heard rumors of pee panties. They are like the period panties but instead hold 6 tsp of pee! Only 6 freaking teaspoons of PEE! Do they not know when I run I am positive I surpass gallon of PEE!
    Ugh, pelvic exercise is much needed for me too!

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